I am watching the wind blow the sea gulls across the sky. They are free within themselves to be moved. Not to fight it. Not to think about it. Not to analyze it. I can honestly say that I wish I was a seagull who is flowing.
I am fighting against the wind. I am fighting with life because I am far away from the flow. I am far away from myself. When you are away from yourself, only conflict is inside. Even with this post, I have had such inner turmoil on what to write. There is no flow. There is no ease, only confusion.
I suppose I am trying to live all my dreams in one day or one year. I am running like mad within myself and my mind is a tornado of thoughts. And yet I also have enormous joy.
I have left my true self behind for the moment. I need to take the journey back to myself. That’s where the peace is. In one way I am glad this is happening. To get to the depths of all the things that come up in my life and now to face it takes strength and courage. We can slightly dabble in our issues – I don’t like that word, but don’t know what other word to use – when it all comes up we need to really deal with it, finish with it, and make peace with it.
The diagnosis is a catalyst for me facing the things that spin me out of control. The diagnosis that propelled me to make all out of life has now transformed itself into a black cloud that is with me every second, every thought, every move. It is consuming me.
So I will be grant myself the ok ticket to be vulnerable, hurt, angry, sad, happy – every emotion possible that comes up and not apologize for it and not judge it and not beat myself up over it.
I need to put myself back into balance. I need to flow with the wind that will carry me back to my true self.